Day six after my near death experience:

My dear wife took my dog, Spanky, out at 6:30 for his morning duty call. She hates walking my dog. To top it off it was cold. The bird bath was frozen solid, and I’m sure the frozen acorns on the driveway felt like marbles beneath her feet. That’s true love.

My wife is a wonderful person. She’s isn’t a touchy, huggy, feely person like I am. She was born in New York so we have a few differences. I accept that. As they say, Opposites attract.

But she shows her love in other ways, like walking my dog when I’m crawling back from death’s door.

She fixed me breakfast after she returned from their chilly walk. She wouldn’t have said that. She would have said she prepared my breakfast. She has pointed out to me on numerous occasions that meals are prepared, not fixed. They don’t break. I reckon she’s right.

Then she left for work and told me not to leave the house again today. She said, “Give it one more day before you get out.” “Yes, Mam.” I knew she was just looking out for my best interest.

I was on house arrest again today.

I was eating my breakfast as she walked out the door. “Love you. “ “Love you, too, babe.”

Then it was just me, the dog, Savanah Guthrie and Hoda. I suppose you know by now Matt was a bad boy and he’s gone. That’s okay with me. You do the crime, you do the time. Or in this case, they put him in permanent time out.

I remember when I was reaching “the age” my father had a long heart to heart talk with me. I guess he was trying to head off trouble. He said, “Boy, treat all girls like your sister and all women like your mother.” That was it. That was our birds and bees talk. As far as he was concerned that covered everything. I guess Matt’s daddy didn’t have that talk with him.

There was just one problem with my father’s sage advice. I didn’t have a sister. I knew it, and he knew it. But his little lecture stuck with me. When I was brave enough to ask my first date out, I asked my buddy’s sister to go to the movies with me.

She was somebody’s sister.

I had had a crush on her for a long time. We were sitting in the Strand Theatre and instead of watching the movie I kept wondering what I was supposed to do on a date. I was scared to death. She was cute. I kept glancing over at her and wondering if I should try to hold her hand or something. Then I thought about her brother. I was sure he wouldn’t hold her hand, so I didn’t.

After the movie we drove to the Mug-N-Cone to get a coke. For those of you that aren’t from the South a coke can be anything from a Coca-Cola, to a Dr. Pepper. Anything with carbonation and fizz is a coke.

I fumbled around with small talk and realized she was bored out of her mind, and I was in love. So, what do you do on a date after a movie and a coke? I took her home. Another awkward moment. I walked my sister to her door and said good night. She was gracious and smiled as she closed the door.

The next time I called her for a date she was busy. She was busy the next time, too. And she had plans the next time I called. I finally got the message. Love waned.

Geeeeeee. That dating thing was a lot harder than I had imagined.

As in those one hit wonder songs my dating life followed the same path. One and done. A lot of times there wasn’t even a one hit anything, and I had done just as my father had instructed me – treated them like sisters.

Time passed and I went away to college. With only a bicycle to get around on there wasn’t any dating there either. My life was as exciting as a doorknob.

Then something unusual happened my first summer home from college. I was sitting with a buddy in his car at a local hangout for kids one night when a car flew up beside us in the parking lot. Out jumped a pretty girl who ran up to his side of the car and whispered something in his ear. He smiled, looked over at me and asked if I would mind getting in back so they could talk.

I complied and was just crawling into the back of the car when another girl ran up beside me and shoved me on in. I moved to the other side of the car and as I did I turned to see who it was. I had absolutely never seen that girl before in my life, but man oh man was she pretty. I opened my mouth to say something when she suddenly pushed her face into mine and began kissing.

I had never kissed a girl before, but I did the best I could. Just about the time I thought I was gonna pass out I figured out how to kiss and breath at the same time. I was in heaven. While enjoying the new found art of kissing several things were running through my mind. Would it be okay to open my eyes and gaze upon this stranger? What were these strange feeling that were flowing all over me?

Then I began to think of all the things I had been missing out on in the past. I was getting pretty good at this newfound kissing thing. I thought perhaps I should change my major to kissing when I got back to college in the fall. Heck, why not go for a doctorate degree! I had found my new calling in life.

Just about the time I was really relaxing and enjoying the moment the young lady on the front seat said something I didn’t catch, opened the door and shot out of the car.

The girl who had latched onto me released her grip and our lips parted with a pop. Just as quickly as she had jumped into the car, she jumped out and was gone in an instant.

There I sat on the back seat - stunned, in awe and dismayed. After collecting my thoughts I asked my buddy who the heck where those girls. He looked at me and said, “I don’t know. I thought you knew them.”

After I came down off that cloud I had been on I began to get mad. I was downright ticked. All that time I had been following my father’s advice to treat girls like the sister I didn’t have and missed out on kissing! I hardly spoke to my father for weeks after that. He knew I was ticked about something, but had no idea what or why. But time moved on. I got over it and moved on.

In retrospect he probably gave me the best advice any father had ever given a son. Treat women with respect. Respect never goes out of style. He knew I’d grow up some day, figure things out on my own eventually, and I did.

It all worked out. I ended up with a wonderful wife who treats me better than I deserve. I have no ghost in my closet, and a lot of the girls that were one time wonders are now dear friends. However, I probably do owe them an apology for being such a lousy date.

As for Matt Lauer and those other guys? They could have used a father like mine.

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Rick Algood
December 6, 2017