Have you ever gone to the grocery store, finished your shopping and headed towards the checkout line only to find every single one of them are totally backed up?

Be aware. You are about to enter the Grocery Store Zone.

It’s the first Saturday of the month and everyone in town is there with the same purpose. Buy enough groceries to last until the apocalypse is over.

You’ve loaded down your cart with rare commodities that weren’t on the shelf the last time you were there. Toilet paper, peanut butter, hand sanitizer, ice cream, bottled water and everything in between.

The basket is heaping full. The rack below is cram-packed to the limit. And you are struggling to shove that cart towards the front of the store. Its left front wheel wants to veer left and the right rear wheel is refusing to rotate.

As you approach the front of the store you notice all of the checkout lines are backed up. You dare not go through the self checkout area because there’s no way to juggle all the items in that cart through the scanner one at a time, bag’em and get them back into the cart without it taking all day. It was difficult enough getting them in there to begin with.

You quickly scan the aisles hoping to find the one among them that’s moving the fastest.

You eliminate checker number two. You’ve been stuck in her line before. Not only is she slow she is chatty. She has to converse with everyone that comes to her station. Lord help the person that has a baby perched up in the kiddie rack. She’ll take even longer fusing over the child.

Checker number three has four shoppers backed up behind her with full carts like mine. Remember, it’s the first of the month and a lot of the old folks Social Security checks have hit the bank.

The gal at check station number one is young, fast and efficient, but there’s a family of six halfway back and they’re having no success keeping the four kids in check.

The youngest is still screaming bloody murder for the toy he had to forfeit at the back of the store. Another is doing her best to hold onto the cart and a rack all the candy is displayed on. The oldest, gone gothic, has his earbuds cranked up loud enough you can not only hear his choice of music, but his ear and nose rings are vibrating. While the fourth one is body surfing on the buggy’s lower rack.

Self checkout is looking more and more appealing until you gaze upon checkout station number four. There are only three people in line and their carts aren’t full!

Hurriedly, you force your cart in that direction. The one with the left wheel veering left and the rear wheel that’s possessed. Everyone can hear you coming because your cart’s the one with the locked up wheel that’s screaming as you shove it across the floor leaving a gash in the tiles on your way to the checker.

“Lord help me!” you mutter.

Suddenly out of nowhere a guy with rainbow colored hair lurches in front of you and you try to stop as fast as you can to keep from hitting him. At that instant the Lord has answered your prayers and that wheel that was frozen up has been miraculously healed. And that front wheel that was stuck in left turn mode? It decides now is a good time to make an immediate about face and turn into the magazine rack.

The bread that was safely perched atop everything in the basket tumbles off and is smooshed beneath the other front wheel.

The rainbow child with enough piercings to pass for one of Bill Dance’s fishing lures mumbles, “Bruh!”

But, by golly, you made it. You’re in line!

The lady at the front of the line that’s being checked out happened to pick up an item without a barcode. You hear, “Price check on register four.”

And you wait. Everyone one in front of you waits.

You glance over and notice the line with the family of six… Well they’re exiting the store.

Another line opened up and half the senior citizens jump on it!

You can’t back up because there’s now two carts blocking you in. Your only option is forward.

Again, “I need a price check on register four.”

A manager appears, sees the item in question and darts away to get its price.

And we wait.

Suddenly he appears and the problem is resolved. Like turtles on a log we all move up one position. The checker does a wonderful job taking the items off the line, bagging them a waits while the lady patiently reloads everything into her cart just so.

She looks directly at you and says, “The trick is putting everything in its proper place so that when I get to the car I can unload it so nothing gets crushed.

“Don’t you just hate it when the bread gets mashed. Or the cold things get too close to the bananas?”

Uh-huh.

Now comes the moment when it’s time to pay for her purchase. She reaches into her purse and pulls out a wad of bills that are in no certain order.

You hope beyond hope that she doesn’t pull out a folder full of coupons. Luckily she doesn’t.

The groceries had to be put into that cart just so, but the wad of cash has no rhyme or reason.

Slowly she pulls out the bills one by one, smoothing them out on the conveyor belt, until every one is accounted for.

“Oh, wait a minute. Can I give you a ten and you give it back to me in one’s? I might need to hold onto some of those ones. You never know when they may come in handy.”

The lady at the register does and says,

“Have a nice day.”

Finally, rainbow child in front of you moves up to the checker, plops down a pack of gum and hands the lady a C note.

She looks at him, “You got anything smaller than a hundred?”

“Nope. Actually, I’m just buying the gum because I need change.”

You think, “I crushed my bread for this! I knocked half the magazines off the rack because YOU needed change!”

Rainbow can read your mind.

“Bruh, Chill. I bought something didn’t I?” and stalked off.

She calls after him, “Have a nice day.”

You place your groceries on the line and the lady begins to scan them and place them into bags on the little carousel beside her.

Then begins the process of putting them back into the cart. The cold items are now sweating. The frozen pizza carton is floppy. Your cherished ice cream? Soft.

Forget the bread. It’s toast.

As you insert your credit card into the card reader you could have sworn you saw the lights blink.

No, no no! Not a power failure! Not now!

It was a false alarm. You pay. You take your receipt, hear the lady say, “Have a nice day,” without ever looking up.

You hurry towards the door.

Suddenly the rear wheel is cursed again and locks up. The front wheel, just as quickly, returns to the make a left turn mode and it does.

Finally after plowing a furrow halfway across the parking lot you make it to the car, unload your groceries and leave that demon possessed cart as close to the buggy coral as you possibly can without denting up any other vehicles in the parking lot.

Congratulations. You have just made it through the Grocery Store Zone and lived to tell about it.

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Rick Algood
July 11, 2022