Today I achieved another milestone on my trek towards the world of the elderly.

At the behest of my family I now have hearing aids. Stereo none the less.

I can hear better, but I have the feeling it’s going to be a long learning curve and the future holds several adjustments for me.

Immediately after getting my new sound system I went to the grocery.

The first thing I noticed was that the car wasn’t as quiet as it was before. I could hear things… like the blinker. I had forgotten that it made a clicking sound.

Grocery carts. They sound like a car wreck when they clash together. The intercom squeals like a cornfield full of birds when it first powers up. However, Charlie Brown’s teacher’s voice is still there, only louder.

I think whoever speaks over it talks in an unknown tongue. I still can’t understand them.

I used the intercom at the drive through on the way home. She was loud. I could hear well enough to order lunch. But she overcharged me two bucks.

Note to self: The garage door needs to be lubricated. I could hear it!

Tina noticed my tremors were unusually bad while I was trying to retrieve our lunch from the bag and suggested I take one of the edibles I had purchased in Illinois months ago. I was so hungry I didn’t bother to cut it in half. I took a whole one.

Have you ever noticed that the sacks they put fast food in sound like a tin roof being eaten by a dinosaur. Seriously.

The ice maker? An avalanche of boulders tumbling down a mountain side.

“Hey Babe have you ever heard the floor squeak over there by the dishwasher?

“Really? Since the day we moved in, huh?”

I walked out to the patio. I could Kati-Dids and crickets. Heck, I swear I thought I heard the column of ants that was marching through the crack in the sidewalk.

I could hear semis going down the interstate north of our neighborhood.

What was that? Grass growing?

The thought crossed my mind; Am I hearing a little too well? Perhaps I should have taken time to cut that edible in half.

While sitting out there I thought I would see what music sounded like with my new ears, so I brought up YouTube on my phone and selected John Prine.

It was fantastic! Prine was great! His guitar never sounded as crisp or clear. I could almost SEE the music.

It wasn’t until I entered the bathroom and turned on the vent fan I had an epiphany.

My word, I hadn’t realized the fan was so loud.

After I acclimating to that new sound I was sitting there fixated on an echo or something similar reverberating against the walls in the bathroom.

That was when I became aware the train was about to depart the station.

Once I recovered from the shock of hearing machine guns blasting throughout the room I began to get another one of those epiphany things… a split second before I heard the train derail and tumble off into the lake below.

I decided I would act upon my epiphany.

Always act upon an epiphany.

I grabbed my phone from the counter and began scrolling through my hearing aid app.

Yep. There it was. Somehow while I was linking up the hearing aids to my phone I inadvertently bumped the sensitivity up to ten. The max.

Evidently I hear best when the sensitivity is set at three. And if I ever feel the need to take another edible I’ll cut in half. Or better yet, quarters.

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Rick Algood
August 25, 2023